The Author Would Like to Acknowledge / 1

 

Read this before.

I find that honesty--for me anyway--is most feasible in the third person. Some “imaginary”, unknown author, possible a male, who anonymously writes about someone else will be perceived as less guilty compared to the actual perpetrator, and frankly, I can’t handle that kind of pressure. He is just the middle man. Feel free to place any anger or blame on the narrator; no one likes a tattletale. Secondly, I would like to acknowledge Dave Eggers, who is the inspiration for this progressive, world’s longest, prologue.

The author would like to acknowledge…

That honest is not his best policy. The author is not a liar in the conversational sense of the word--if someone asked him a question, he would answer honestly and with his heart and most definitely accept all negative and peripheral consequences as a result. However, most people do not know what questions to ask, or therein lack the gumption to ask the question if they indeed knew what to ask. The author, however, would gladly reward the overtly audacious with an open mouth kiss if the individual (hopefully female) knew what to actually ask. Such brilliance in asking questions that could extract such naked honesty are worthy of an open mouth kiss. Along those lines, the author would like to acknowledge that he has kissed more women than he can remember or count (not that he hasn’t tried, of course), and would also like to acknowledge that there was one kiss in particular, that when acted out (fully clothed and standing up, mind you) extracted feelings for that individual (who was a serious girlfriend at the time) which, thus far, infinitely surpassed any shallow or short term sexual experience with a girl to date. He also acknowledges that, at the present moment, he longs for those same feelings again and is currently tired of all females and any shallow or uninteresting experiences therein. The author understands, too, that he could be alone forever, and while he does not prefer that, he is infinitely grateful to his late 20’s for providing him insight into the ebbs and flows and life, and also, as a result of said insight, for not letting him follow through with the relationship with the aforementioned kisser, since she wanted to get married and have babies, like, right away. The author would like to acknowledge that if this marriage were indeed to have happened, he would be working a very standard nine-to-five in a corporate architecture firm, blowing thick smoke up higher-ups’ asses for a living, with the hope of getting many a raise so he could afford more diapers and diamonds. Speaking of diapers, the author would like to mention that some of his best writing and thought-jotting has occurred on the john. He does not apologize for this. Nor does he apologize for the multitude of texts and emails that have been sent as a result of these glorious 10 to 15 minute daily breaks. The author would like to thank America for giving him the ability to practice freelance labor which affords him the ability and freedom to take multiple breaks like this throughout the day. He would also like to thank his morning coffee which not only provides him with his daily intake of caffeine, but expedites these daily breaks during the morning hours. Moreover, the author wishes to acknowledge debt collectors who might very well be solely responsible for allowing the author to drink so much coffee throughout college, thus sleep-depraving him, causing him to not think clearly, and thus make consistently poor decisions regarding his finances. He would like to thank, however, all of the nice people he’s spoken to on the phone from Chase, Bank of America, and Capital One, and that without their calm demeanor and scripted statements, the author might have quickly lost his shit.


Written October 7, 2014